checking in

between my anniversary and memorial day, i ate enough for probably two people! there were lots of opportunities to eat out and i took just about every one of them. since than I have lost a couple of pounds. I am currently at 210.5 and I am half way through a weight watchers points week -- the longest I tracked points in a while. it feels good to be back on the right track. school ends this week and then i will have more time to exercise in the morning before we have to be anywhere; i am really looking forward to a more leisurely morning with the kids. i am working on positive thinking. i think i would be doing much better if i would journal before i snacked. i often don't realize i've eaten until the wrappers are empty in front of me. i have spent years and years self-medicating with food and it is going to take some time to break myself of it. i need to be reading my book (life is hard, food is easy) again to get it all on the brain. i can do this, i know i can.

What I have been up to and how much I've gained because of it...

Since I've last written, I've been to the beach with my family, totaled my car, had a terrible cold/flu and cared for a child who had the same.

I'm exhausted. I am not getting the sleep I need. I find myself grabbing food for energy. What I need is more sleep!!

I completely stopped logging into weight watchers. After several weeks, I logged on yesterday and added my breakfast and lunch, but lost interest for dinner.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a total downer in life. My fellow PTA moms and those who see me outside the house are totally unaware. Sure, they maybe can tell I've gained some weight. But why?! 2 years ago at this time, I weighed 15 pounds less and was happy as a clam to be restricting and disciplined. My therapist is gone from that time. Fortunately, I am in therapy and it is going well, but slow. My feelings are REALLY stuffed down there under loads of beef, chicken, chips and oreos. Oh, and don't forget the Hershey kisses. I just ate 12 of them.

Lowest adult weight (pre kidlets): 155 (1998)
Highest adult weight (post kidlets): 255 (2005)

Lowest diet weight: 193 (2007)
Today's weight: 212
Goal weight: 170-175

I hope to report a loss next week. I wish I could get out in front of this stuff and learn how to breath and think before I eat. I am 37 years old and have been stuffing down feelings with food for approximately 25 years.

I love my Savior. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my life. I miss my waist.

Progress

Went to lunch today and had my salad. I didn't even finish it! Although I still have a little uncomfortable stomach twinges, it was more a function of my feelings. Yes, that's right, I'm learning to manage my feelings. I had a number of "issues" knocking around in my head and I did my best to tackle them one by one rather than trying to "eat" them away. I'm not perfect, and I could have done better at times, but I just didn't find myself reaching for food. I'm making progress...

One man's stomach flu is another man's blessing

Monday, by the time I had dinner, I had consumed a day and one half worth of points. I just didn't even realize -- much the same as I spend money... luckily, we are out of debt and I have a small amount to blow each month!

Tuesday I awoke with the flu of some sort, but was able to carry out my motherly and wifely duties around the house and in the wider world... only I ate a very small amount until I entered my points this morning... yep, I had snacked away 20 points during the day!! That's right!!

Today I had some points left over as well. I had forgotten how much I CANNOT eat to stay well under the points. Here's to a couple more days of eating like I'm sick!!

Checking In

We left town last week for the break and it was wonderful to get away and learn you really can travel with small children in a car without too much pain!! I took the Spangle book and couldn't believe what I learned in the little I read! I now feel like I have so much information about my weight problem and it turns out it really has nothing to do with food except by association. I don't have any answers, but needless to say, since coming back it hasn't been too difficult to keep my daily points as close to 27 as possible. Wisdom is knowledge and knowledge is power.

Spring Break Monday

Yes, I did exercise this morning! I used Denise Austin's Boot Camp (strength workout). Being out of my routine and having the kids and hubby home, I was struggling. I am reading more of my book and becoming aware of these emotions. For so long, it was like I was eating in some mindless fog of oblivion. Now I find myself asking myself "why am i feeling this way?". At least I'm making progress by realizing I'm not hungry and that I am trying to swallow my feelings. However, the downside is that I'm finding eating much easier than facing the feelings. I'm not sure what to do with them yet! They are scary and swallowing them is easier than thinking about them. These are BIG issues, too! Here are some of the issues I was dealing with today:
1. I would REALLY like another baby, but I had a tubal with my last almost 5 years ago. This is a pretty big operation to get it reversed and we certainly don't have the money.
2. We are already super crammed in our tiny house with the two we have. I am so thankful for this house, but it is less than 1000 square feet and there are four of us. It is hard to clean, because we have 11 years worth of stuff!!
3. I really need to get a job next year when our youngest enters school. This is scary. I've been able to do small things and haven't worked outside the home since the day before we had our first.

The list could go on.

I am very thankful with my life, but have a ton of unresolved issues that I'm not sure to deal with. Why not seek therapy? Been there, done that. I just really feel like I need to figure this stuff out for myself. The answers are in there somewhere (behind the food no doubt).

Target Points 27
Actual Points 39.5

On the upside, I DID try chewing gum today when I was frustrated, but my jaw got sore! Geez, does that tell you how anxious I am that I'm chewing so hard?!!

I did get a pedicure and read a little from my book. I learned that I do have value. I am important regardless of my weight and shortcomings. I should know this stuff... I learn it every Sunday (I even teach kids on Sundays!!). Why is it so hard for us to give ourselves the credit we deserve? When did my weight get all wrapped up with my emotions. Just a hunch, but, gee, what about a fridge so full it wouldn't shut 2 days after my father passed away when I was a kid. It is our culture. We eat to celebrate. We eat to comfort. We eat. And we eat. And unfortunately, some of us eat ourselves right to death.

Yesterday...

all my troubles smacked me in the face...

I shared an Extra Large Popcorn and Coke at Watchmen with my husband

We ate dinner at the mall afterwards

Today we ate lunch at COSTCO's food court

Bluck! Too much food!!!!!

Why do I do this? Because it is so rare my husband wants to eat out that I am very excited to when he relents and takes us out. That is an emotional eater for you. We tend to take too much pleasure in food and the experiences therein.

when we know better...

we do better? Maya Angelou says so. Well, as far as emotional eating, when I know better I may just continue to do bad, but experience more guilt in the process. I read in the book I'm reading about emotional eating that when you bite into something that doesn't taste as good as you expected, you are supposed to stop eating it! Case in point, I needed some crunchy chocolate, so I grabbed a bag of mini chocolate chip cookies left over from our stash of after game soccer treats. They tasted stale. They probably have always been crunchy and dry, but this time I noticed it especially. Did I stop? No way! I was going to get my sugar fix, baby. So, I didn't do better but maybe I will next time.

Friday's are always hard because we go out for pizza.

TODAY'S WW POINTS EXPENDITURE: 44.5 (for a goal of 26)
WEEKLY POINTS LEFT: .5 (still movie popcorn and Sunday to go)
ACTIVITY POINTS: 14 and not even close to being enough -- I've been lazy and low impact this week.

I do give myself points today for being a fun, patient and supportive mom -- my kids had a good day, I think. I know I did.

I'm no pastaqueen...

but I did just read her book. Which led me to believe that I have to "put it all out there." There is no one in my life right now that can be a "buddy" for me except cyberspace. I'm not going to talk about it on facebook and I'm certainly not going to talk about it on my family blog where I've prettied it all up for the world. Truth is, my life is only partly pretty. I am a stay-at-home until my youngest goes to school next year, that's pretty. I have beautiful children, that's pretty. We're not in debt, that's pretty. I love my husband, that's pretty. But what's not pretty is that I eat my feelings. With the birth of my last child, I held on to the weight I had gained. I was usually eating dinner and then a second dinner after the kids were asleep. My husband was going through a crisis and had his own issues with which to deal. I dealt with that and my own issues by eating. One year later, I had gained another ten pounds. Two years later, still at my heaviest of ~250, I sought out a psychiatrist to get help with depression and anxiety. The concoction he prescribed left me so sick that I quickly dropped almost 30 pounds in a few months. I was so sick and experienced major heart palpitations that when we moved shortly thereafter, I abruptly stopped all medications. Not recommended, but I felt like I was going crazy. Shortly after moving, I was recommended a psychologist that could help with weight loss, anxiety and depression. Did he ever. He promptly put me on weigh watcher's online program and before I knew it (in about three months), I had lost another 20 pounds. Soon I was down to 190 -- it had been a while since I had seen that number and I was elated, but then I stopped traveling to see the psychologist and let my ww subscription lapse. Before I knew it (within 4 months), I was up 10 pounds. I've been up and down since then a little, but have mostly hovered at around 200 pounds.

A little over 10 years ago, I was at my lightest. I was about ~150 and looked and felt terrific! Within the first 2 years of marriage, I joined the 20 pound club and even with my first pregnancy, I still hovered at around 180. Which brings me to my last pregnancy and tipping the scales at 250.

So, here I am. I am putting it out there. I've been on ww for a year again, but have found it really doesn't do a thing for you if you don't use it. Many times, I've found that I've blown my points only to ignore food recording for the rest of the week out of disgust. This last week, I kept plugging it in though. My first HONEST week of food recording in a very long time. Turns out I consumed enough points for an extra day. That's right, I consumed 8 days of points in 7 days. Sad.
I am an emotional eater and even though I exercise regularly, I can't exercise enough to burn off an entire day's points nor do I want to, nor do I have the time!

I am reading a book about emotional eating. Sounds so silly, but today I learned about crunchy versus soft foods. Turns out we tend to crave foods that serve to help us work out pent up emotions. I think it's true. I had a terrible argument with my husband last night and this morning I was still angry, so I had some popcorn. This afternoon, I am feeling very sad and depressed and sure enough I went looking for some smooth and silky chocolate.

Ok, so here it goes.

TODAY'S WEIGH IN: 205.5

And please save the snark for some other website; however, constructive criticism is always welcome as are supportive comments.