when we know better...

we do better? Maya Angelou says so. Well, as far as emotional eating, when I know better I may just continue to do bad, but experience more guilt in the process. I read in the book I'm reading about emotional eating that when you bite into something that doesn't taste as good as you expected, you are supposed to stop eating it! Case in point, I needed some crunchy chocolate, so I grabbed a bag of mini chocolate chip cookies left over from our stash of after game soccer treats. They tasted stale. They probably have always been crunchy and dry, but this time I noticed it especially. Did I stop? No way! I was going to get my sugar fix, baby. So, I didn't do better but maybe I will next time.

Friday's are always hard because we go out for pizza.

TODAY'S WW POINTS EXPENDITURE: 44.5 (for a goal of 26)
WEEKLY POINTS LEFT: .5 (still movie popcorn and Sunday to go)
ACTIVITY POINTS: 14 and not even close to being enough -- I've been lazy and low impact this week.

I do give myself points today for being a fun, patient and supportive mom -- my kids had a good day, I think. I know I did.

I'm no pastaqueen...

but I did just read her book. Which led me to believe that I have to "put it all out there." There is no one in my life right now that can be a "buddy" for me except cyberspace. I'm not going to talk about it on facebook and I'm certainly not going to talk about it on my family blog where I've prettied it all up for the world. Truth is, my life is only partly pretty. I am a stay-at-home until my youngest goes to school next year, that's pretty. I have beautiful children, that's pretty. We're not in debt, that's pretty. I love my husband, that's pretty. But what's not pretty is that I eat my feelings. With the birth of my last child, I held on to the weight I had gained. I was usually eating dinner and then a second dinner after the kids were asleep. My husband was going through a crisis and had his own issues with which to deal. I dealt with that and my own issues by eating. One year later, I had gained another ten pounds. Two years later, still at my heaviest of ~250, I sought out a psychiatrist to get help with depression and anxiety. The concoction he prescribed left me so sick that I quickly dropped almost 30 pounds in a few months. I was so sick and experienced major heart palpitations that when we moved shortly thereafter, I abruptly stopped all medications. Not recommended, but I felt like I was going crazy. Shortly after moving, I was recommended a psychologist that could help with weight loss, anxiety and depression. Did he ever. He promptly put me on weigh watcher's online program and before I knew it (in about three months), I had lost another 20 pounds. Soon I was down to 190 -- it had been a while since I had seen that number and I was elated, but then I stopped traveling to see the psychologist and let my ww subscription lapse. Before I knew it (within 4 months), I was up 10 pounds. I've been up and down since then a little, but have mostly hovered at around 200 pounds.

A little over 10 years ago, I was at my lightest. I was about ~150 and looked and felt terrific! Within the first 2 years of marriage, I joined the 20 pound club and even with my first pregnancy, I still hovered at around 180. Which brings me to my last pregnancy and tipping the scales at 250.

So, here I am. I am putting it out there. I've been on ww for a year again, but have found it really doesn't do a thing for you if you don't use it. Many times, I've found that I've blown my points only to ignore food recording for the rest of the week out of disgust. This last week, I kept plugging it in though. My first HONEST week of food recording in a very long time. Turns out I consumed enough points for an extra day. That's right, I consumed 8 days of points in 7 days. Sad.
I am an emotional eater and even though I exercise regularly, I can't exercise enough to burn off an entire day's points nor do I want to, nor do I have the time!

I am reading a book about emotional eating. Sounds so silly, but today I learned about crunchy versus soft foods. Turns out we tend to crave foods that serve to help us work out pent up emotions. I think it's true. I had a terrible argument with my husband last night and this morning I was still angry, so I had some popcorn. This afternoon, I am feeling very sad and depressed and sure enough I went looking for some smooth and silky chocolate.

Ok, so here it goes.

TODAY'S WEIGH IN: 205.5

And please save the snark for some other website; however, constructive criticism is always welcome as are supportive comments.