checking in

between my anniversary and memorial day, i ate enough for probably two people! there were lots of opportunities to eat out and i took just about every one of them. since than I have lost a couple of pounds. I am currently at 210.5 and I am half way through a weight watchers points week -- the longest I tracked points in a while. it feels good to be back on the right track. school ends this week and then i will have more time to exercise in the morning before we have to be anywhere; i am really looking forward to a more leisurely morning with the kids. i am working on positive thinking. i think i would be doing much better if i would journal before i snacked. i often don't realize i've eaten until the wrappers are empty in front of me. i have spent years and years self-medicating with food and it is going to take some time to break myself of it. i need to be reading my book (life is hard, food is easy) again to get it all on the brain. i can do this, i know i can.

What I have been up to and how much I've gained because of it...

Since I've last written, I've been to the beach with my family, totaled my car, had a terrible cold/flu and cared for a child who had the same.

I'm exhausted. I am not getting the sleep I need. I find myself grabbing food for energy. What I need is more sleep!!

I completely stopped logging into weight watchers. After several weeks, I logged on yesterday and added my breakfast and lunch, but lost interest for dinner.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a total downer in life. My fellow PTA moms and those who see me outside the house are totally unaware. Sure, they maybe can tell I've gained some weight. But why?! 2 years ago at this time, I weighed 15 pounds less and was happy as a clam to be restricting and disciplined. My therapist is gone from that time. Fortunately, I am in therapy and it is going well, but slow. My feelings are REALLY stuffed down there under loads of beef, chicken, chips and oreos. Oh, and don't forget the Hershey kisses. I just ate 12 of them.

Lowest adult weight (pre kidlets): 155 (1998)
Highest adult weight (post kidlets): 255 (2005)

Lowest diet weight: 193 (2007)
Today's weight: 212
Goal weight: 170-175

I hope to report a loss next week. I wish I could get out in front of this stuff and learn how to breath and think before I eat. I am 37 years old and have been stuffing down feelings with food for approximately 25 years.

I love my Savior. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my life. I miss my waist.

Progress

Went to lunch today and had my salad. I didn't even finish it! Although I still have a little uncomfortable stomach twinges, it was more a function of my feelings. Yes, that's right, I'm learning to manage my feelings. I had a number of "issues" knocking around in my head and I did my best to tackle them one by one rather than trying to "eat" them away. I'm not perfect, and I could have done better at times, but I just didn't find myself reaching for food. I'm making progress...

One man's stomach flu is another man's blessing

Monday, by the time I had dinner, I had consumed a day and one half worth of points. I just didn't even realize -- much the same as I spend money... luckily, we are out of debt and I have a small amount to blow each month!

Tuesday I awoke with the flu of some sort, but was able to carry out my motherly and wifely duties around the house and in the wider world... only I ate a very small amount until I entered my points this morning... yep, I had snacked away 20 points during the day!! That's right!!

Today I had some points left over as well. I had forgotten how much I CANNOT eat to stay well under the points. Here's to a couple more days of eating like I'm sick!!

Checking In

We left town last week for the break and it was wonderful to get away and learn you really can travel with small children in a car without too much pain!! I took the Spangle book and couldn't believe what I learned in the little I read! I now feel like I have so much information about my weight problem and it turns out it really has nothing to do with food except by association. I don't have any answers, but needless to say, since coming back it hasn't been too difficult to keep my daily points as close to 27 as possible. Wisdom is knowledge and knowledge is power.

Spring Break Monday

Yes, I did exercise this morning! I used Denise Austin's Boot Camp (strength workout). Being out of my routine and having the kids and hubby home, I was struggling. I am reading more of my book and becoming aware of these emotions. For so long, it was like I was eating in some mindless fog of oblivion. Now I find myself asking myself "why am i feeling this way?". At least I'm making progress by realizing I'm not hungry and that I am trying to swallow my feelings. However, the downside is that I'm finding eating much easier than facing the feelings. I'm not sure what to do with them yet! They are scary and swallowing them is easier than thinking about them. These are BIG issues, too! Here are some of the issues I was dealing with today:
1. I would REALLY like another baby, but I had a tubal with my last almost 5 years ago. This is a pretty big operation to get it reversed and we certainly don't have the money.
2. We are already super crammed in our tiny house with the two we have. I am so thankful for this house, but it is less than 1000 square feet and there are four of us. It is hard to clean, because we have 11 years worth of stuff!!
3. I really need to get a job next year when our youngest enters school. This is scary. I've been able to do small things and haven't worked outside the home since the day before we had our first.

The list could go on.

I am very thankful with my life, but have a ton of unresolved issues that I'm not sure to deal with. Why not seek therapy? Been there, done that. I just really feel like I need to figure this stuff out for myself. The answers are in there somewhere (behind the food no doubt).

Target Points 27
Actual Points 39.5

On the upside, I DID try chewing gum today when I was frustrated, but my jaw got sore! Geez, does that tell you how anxious I am that I'm chewing so hard?!!

I did get a pedicure and read a little from my book. I learned that I do have value. I am important regardless of my weight and shortcomings. I should know this stuff... I learn it every Sunday (I even teach kids on Sundays!!). Why is it so hard for us to give ourselves the credit we deserve? When did my weight get all wrapped up with my emotions. Just a hunch, but, gee, what about a fridge so full it wouldn't shut 2 days after my father passed away when I was a kid. It is our culture. We eat to celebrate. We eat to comfort. We eat. And we eat. And unfortunately, some of us eat ourselves right to death.

Yesterday...

all my troubles smacked me in the face...

I shared an Extra Large Popcorn and Coke at Watchmen with my husband

We ate dinner at the mall afterwards

Today we ate lunch at COSTCO's food court

Bluck! Too much food!!!!!

Why do I do this? Because it is so rare my husband wants to eat out that I am very excited to when he relents and takes us out. That is an emotional eater for you. We tend to take too much pleasure in food and the experiences therein.